After All

"Every step, every breath You are there.
Every tear, every cry, every prayer.
In my hurt, at my worst,
when my world falls down - 
Not for a moment will You forsake me."
-Meredith Andrews

My journey through depression has been short-lived in comparison to many other people who suffer with this terrible sickness of the mind. It eats, and eats, and eats away at you until there is nothing left but a tired clump of sadness on the floor. I haven't written anything in awhile on my blog because I honestly haven't had the strength. I've started to write many posts, but could never seem to finish them before the mental illness took over once again. You may be thinking right now that I sound quite depressing, and I do! I do because I know the pain that I have suffered, and I don't want to make light of the other's who are suffering now. Depression is hard, and it is far from easy to get through.
Having said that, this post isn't meant to serve as a pity party or anything of the like. I am writing it simply to tell my story, or rather, God's story of grace.

When it seemed as if all hope was lost - my mind was spinning in one million different directions and I couldn't stop it long enough to catch my footing - I cried out to God once again in my darkness. "Are You there God? Are You listening? Do You even care? Why can't I see You? Where are You and why aren't You helping me?! How can You abandon me like this?" I felt as if everything was falling apart - I couldn't be the wife I'd always wanted to be, my friends might as well have kissed me and my depressing self goodbye, and God wasn't there. What was I supposed to do?
The Lord reminded me of one very important thing in this moment - grace. His overwhelming, all sufficient grace. Not the kind of grace you see when the world is bright and the sky is clear, but the kind of gifts that God gives us every day.  Ann Voskamp says that we can choose two different paths in our distress: the path of anger, or the path of thankfulness. During my depression I was so angry with God that I couldn't see the blessings that He was putting right in front of my face. After a long road of rage and disappointment I finally figured out this unwavering truth: God is always good, even when I can't see it at first. When I open my hands to accept whatever God has given me as grace I am able to see even my depression as a gift. It was a gift because it caused me to rely more fully on God. It was a gift because it taught me patience. It was gift because it opened up so many doors to minister to others in similar situations. I find that what seemed like a terrible situation was transformed into a beautiful moment when I chose to see God's grace in my life. I'm not saying that seeing the grace gets rid of the bad and the ugly, because it doesn't. Instead, it turns the ugly into what it truly is: good. Because, after all, God is only good.

For those of you who have been praying for me, you can rest assured that I am doing so much better. The Lord blessed me with a Christian doctor who was able to offer me the right type of medication for my illness. I feel nearly 100% "cured," if that's possible! I am overwhelmed by the grace and goodness of our Savior.
In Christ,
Lauren


"After all, You are constant.
After all, You are only good.
After all, You are sovereign.
Not for a moment will You forsake me."

Blessings

What if Your blessings come through raindrops?
What if Your healing comes through tears?
What if one thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near?
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?
-Laura Story "Blessings"

Sometimes I feel like I understand the meaning of this song all too well. I wake up in the mornings, lies in my face and a tear stained pillow from the exhausting, pain-filled day before. I think to myself: "Great. It's starting again. Just another day to get through, just another trial to hold on to God in, just more lies to overcome with truth."
And so it begins.
And I fight, and I fight, and I fight... and I'm tired. So I cry out to God for strength, energy, or really anything to just keep me going. Even though it's the same every time, the "aid" He gives me is never what I'm expecting. He gives me Himself - what I've had all along but failed to recognize. Isn't it funny that it takes an awful day for me to see the hand of God in my life? His presence, His comfort, and His soft whispers of love have always been there, and what had I been doing? "Living the life?!"

There is one very strong reason that I HATE trials, and that is that I have to be dependent on someone other than myself. It's quite possible that God puts different thorns in my flesh for that very reason. Because in my trials I learn something - I am so dependent on God! Sometimes it literally feels like I cannot breathe without His help. Can you imagine how close you would get to God if you knew that He was the One giving you your every breath? Pretty dang close! He gives me an intimate relationship with Himself, the Creator of the Universe. What more could I ask for? And yet I beg for my tears and my sleepless nights to go away forever. I never want to go through another difficult time in my life. In fact, I would be quite happy if I was able to live a carefree life with no troubles, singing la-ti-da all the day long. Maybe this is what Heaven will be like?? Never worrying, always laughing and joking, running around with joy! I hope so. Once in awhile my life actually is like this. It's great, really, in the moment. I'm strong and healthy, and I honestly cannot think of anything my heart desires that I don't already have.
But a midst all of the contentment and comfort I forget; I forget my Father in Heaven, who desperately desires my heart. I forget that my life is meant to be more than happy roses and beautiful rainbows. I forget that what I really need is the Lord.
And I realize something: Laura Story is right. For me, God's greatest blessings do come through raindrops, and I could not find Him without my tears. The Lord knows that I need seasons of discomfort in my life in order to find Him. I truly believe that God allows me and everyone else to go through the ickiness of life because for some reason we cannot grasp our need for Him without it. God desires our hearts more than anything, and even if it feels at times that our trials are unbearable, going through them is worth it! Closeness to God is the biggest blessing that we could ever ask for.
And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those that are called according to His purpose. - Romans 8:28

What Love is This?

I was listening to Pandora today at work and this song by Kari Jobe came on. The song really spoke to me, and I wanted to share it with you all so that it would hopefully speak to you as well. There are no pictures in this video; just words. As the words scroll across the page soak them in: "You stay the same when hope is just a distant thought. You take my pain, and you lead me to the cross. What love is this?"

Our God is Greater

Laying curled up in a ball on my bed, my head pounding and my eyes filled with pain, I plead with the only One who I know that can understand my suffering: "Lord, help me," and many times that's all I can say. I have no words of truth to speak, I can't muster the strength to fight against the lies keeping me down, and it seems as if I will stay on that bed forever. Unable to move or change or to be anything but this broken, out of order mess. I try to get up, but I'm already defeated in my mind. The weight of this world is pushing me down and there is no rest. I'm suffocating, I think I might be dying, and the One who calms my soul seems long gone. I am alone, and no one is coming to rescue me. 

And then my hubby whispers, "Come on honey, let's get up and do devotions." I slowly and grudgingly get up. I hate that he knows what's best for me! So I (finally) go out on the patio with my Bible and my devotional book, and I begin to pray a prayer that goes something like this, "Lord, help me understand Your word. Speak to me this morning. Grow me into a woman who is more like You." I start reading out of my first lesson from The Book of Hope, by Natalie Guthrie. (This is a brand new devotional to me and so far I love it! If you're in a dark, confused, or lost place, you should check it out)! Since it was my first day in the devotional book, I only read the introduction and the starter page for the week. However, I noticed that there was a verse to meditate on throughout the week listed at the bottom of the page. The verse came out of Psalm 34, and I decided to read the entire chapter that morning so I could understand the context a little better. The first time I read through the Psalm I realized something, (pay attention to the italics): 

"The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them;

He delivers them from all their troubles.

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted

and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

The righteous person may have many troubles,

but the LORD delivers him from them all; 

He protects all his bones,

not one of them will be broken.

Evil will slay the wicked;

the foes of the righteous will be condemned.

The LORD will rescue His servants;

no one who takes refuge in Him will be condemned." (Psalm 34: 18-21)

Was this passage really saying what I thought it was saying? Was there really hope for my broken heart? Was God really still fighting for me? Could He really defeat this? Yes. He could, and He will. Time will tell how and when, but one thing is for sure: there is no problem that is too big for God to take care of. There is no issue that He cannot resolve. There is nothing that He is unable to rescue me from.

When you've lost hope, read this Psalm and embrace the truth. Our God is greater!

Wrong Side of the Bed

This morning I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. In fact, I think I fell asleep on the wrong side of the bed as well. I sometimes (pretty much always) believe that the solution to a bad day is sleep. If I'm grumpy, I'll sleep it off. If I'm angry, I'll curl up in bed and when I wake up surely the anger will be gone. If I'm sad, I run to the only thing I know that numbs me for a little while; sleep. If I'm anxious, oh boy do I lose it. The only thing that could ever even remotely fix my situation is sleep. "Maybe this time I'll go to sleep and I won't wake up. Then I won't have to deal with this mess anymore. Then I'll be free. Then I'll find rest." Time and time again I find out that this idea is a bad one. It's mornings like this morning that remind me of the one true cure to my problems. In Matthew 11 Jesus says,

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Jesus tells us that His yoke is easy and that His burden is light. Doesn't that sound delightful? Trading in all of our pain and sorrow for something so refreshing? I'd take that deal any day, right? WRONG. My heart is willing, but my flesh is so weak. I desperately want to give Jesus all of my heartache, but I don't always remember that He is there, waiting for me to hand it to Him. And even if I do remember I don't necessarily let Him take control of my situation. I think that I'm too much. 

My mind starts racing: It's scary, everything seems uncertain. Where do I go from here? I'll take a walk. It's not helping. What now? A puzzle, to get my mind off of everything. Ahhhhh!!! How do I get through this? I can't handle this, it's too much for me! 

And so I come to Him, finally. Pain and all I come to Him, and He shows me truth. He is here. The Lord hasn't left me alone. He's given me tools to fight my anxieties and to think positive thoughts. He's given me His Spirit to lean on, and His Word for wisdom. Most importantly, He's given me His love. If I really think about it, I'm not that bad off. And then I begin to name the blessings I see all around me:

1. The sunshine warming my soul on my drive to work. 

2. The hot tea my hubby made for me this morning.

3. Having a car to drive to work in. (A lot of people might have to walk).

4. My job. It is truly a miracle that I found employment for the Summer.

5. God continually providing for my husband and I, both financially and emotionally. 

6. The itchy rash on my arm that is driving me crazy but is causing me to pray for healing like nobody's business!

And I keep going, and I keep going, and I keep going! I'm slowly feeling better and better. I'm dependent on God, I'm allowing Him to guide my thoughts, and I'm changing, I'm growing, I'm becoming more like Him. I think that the Apostle Paul understood this concept too:

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. (Philippians 4: 8-9)

It's not always easy, but thankfulness (positive thinking) truly does go a long way. Check out this book: http://onethousandgifts.com/the-book

My Stubborn, Independent Self

I am so weak and helpless without God. I might as well just accept that already.

If you know me well, you know that I am stubborn and independent. I don't like that I need help from others because I feel like a burden, and I HATE asking for it. I really don't like it when God continually commands me to stop relying on myself, and to start relying on Him and on those around me. "I can do this God. Stop trying to help me. I don't want Your help!" How silly does that sound?! Yet I find myself repeating those words over and over again. 

This Sunday at church the message hit me hard. It was about confessing our sins to each other and praying for each other's deepest needs. In the small group that my husband and I attend on Mondays, we discussed the very same thing. One of the prompts was actually, "How can we pray for you as an individual? Not for anyone else you know, but for you?" My heart dropped. Was I really about to tell these people my secret? Was I really about to burden them with my distress? What would they think? What if I was the only one who asked for prayer about a subject deeper than surface level? The Holy Spirit was leading me. As we went around the table, the requests went something like this: 

"Pray for me to be a good leader."

"Pray for me to adjust to my new job."

"Pray for my words to be kind." 

"etc."

And then it was my turn. I sighed, paused for a moment, and hesitantly listened to the Holy Spirit's prompting. I finally spoke, "I've had a rough few weeks." My eyes searched for a place to land. They landed on the table. I continued: "I began going to therapy two weeks ago for depression..." What should I say now??? I stammered: "...and so I just really need prayer for that..." Sigh again. It was out. I looked up to find the leader of the group happily writing down my request as if there was nothing strange about what I had just said. My husband squeezed my hand, letting me know that he was proud of me, and everything was going to be okay. I tried not to look at him or at anyone else. I tried to pretend like nothing had just happened. I tried, I tried...And then the lies came. "Lauren, I can't believe you just shared that with everyone. They all probably think it's weird that your request was about mental health. Aren't you supposed to be above this? You are the worship pastor's wife after all. You're a freak. No one will want to be your friend now. No one will respect you as a woman of God anymore." After we prayed I excused myself from the table to go to the bathroom, and while I was there I began thinking and praying about what just happened. I quickly realized that the thoughts that I was having were a bunch of lies! I was clearly being attacked. Of course the Devil wanted me NOT to ask for help, because then it would only be me, my husband, my best friend, and our pastor interceding with prayer on my behalf. I now had 15 more people who knew what I was struggling with and could pray for me. There is power in numbers! And even more than that, after my husband and I left small group two of the women texted me saying that they would love to hang out and that if I ever needed anything to let them know! God is so faithful!

So, it turns out (once again) that I need others much more than I know, and that's okay. If you take any principle away from reading this, let it be this one: Allow yourself to rely on others, including God. It may be hard, but it's healthy, and it's what we all need.

Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another,that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working. (James 5:16, ESV)

Beautiful Mess

Last night as I was sitting on the couch with my husband after a long day at work, I felt a little poke from God. I am a new wife of only 2 months. Just like any other new wife I have become ridiculously confused over the last few months. What is this?! Is this what marriage is like? I know they said that it would be hard work, but MAN! Two months ago even the most experienced counselor couldn't have prepared me for what marriage was about to bring my way. I've learned to be more vulnerable with Zach than I ever thought possible. Before we were married I would have said that without a doubt Zach knew me completely - inside and out. In fact, I was pretty much sure that there wasn't really anything left for him to learn. He knew my fears, my frustrations. He had been with me through thick and thin, in good times and in really bad times, when I was throwing up and when I had fallen away from the Lord. Yep. You could pretty much say we'd been through everything and had our stuff together! I now realize that I was very, very wrong.
Just so you know, I am about to talk about sex.
The morning after our wedding night I found myself in tears. I didn't like sex. Sex was scary!! I had to go from guarding my purity with my life, to being completely naked in front of this man that I had claimed only a few hours ago to know me inside and out? What was I thinking? Not to mention it HURT! And now we had to talk about my thoughts on sex?! No way was I telling my new husband that I didn't like making love to him. All of you new brides know exactly what I'm talking about! A few weeks into our marriage it seemed as if nothing had changed... Everyone said that it would hurt at first, but shouldn't it be getting better by now? And shouldn't I want to be in bed with my newlywed husband nearly every minute of the day? Yes, that's what I thought I should be. And so I kept telling myself, "Yes, Lauren. You're supposed to want to do this. Why don't you? What's wrong with you? I'm an awful wife. I'm a failure." I believed this lie, and I usually still believe this lie. It's a hard one to fight but, just like every other lie, it's worth fighting against!
When everything around you tells you you're a failure, what do you do? When the world tells you that love is all you'll ever need and then you find out that your hubby won't satisfy, what then? When you thought you and your husband could talk about everything and then you realize you have to talk about sex?! When your meals burn and your skinny girl body starts to turn into a full-grown woman, how do you move past that? It's the simple things and the big things, it's the laughs and the cries, it's our love and our brokenness that make us women. That's what this blog is about - My struggle through womanhood. Because at the end of the day life isn't always full of roses and laughter, but that's okay. We're all a mess, and we're all beautiful.