Beautiful Mess

Last night as I was sitting on the couch with my husband after a long day at work, I felt a little poke from God. I am a new wife of only 2 months. Just like any other new wife I have become ridiculously confused over the last few months. What is this?! Is this what marriage is like? I know they said that it would be hard work, but MAN! Two months ago even the most experienced counselor couldn't have prepared me for what marriage was about to bring my way. I've learned to be more vulnerable with Zach than I ever thought possible. Before we were married I would have said that without a doubt Zach knew me completely - inside and out. In fact, I was pretty much sure that there wasn't really anything left for him to learn. He knew my fears, my frustrations. He had been with me through thick and thin, in good times and in really bad times, when I was throwing up and when I had fallen away from the Lord. Yep. You could pretty much say we'd been through everything and had our stuff together! I now realize that I was very, very wrong.
Just so you know, I am about to talk about sex.
The morning after our wedding night I found myself in tears. I didn't like sex. Sex was scary!! I had to go from guarding my purity with my life, to being completely naked in front of this man that I had claimed only a few hours ago to know me inside and out? What was I thinking? Not to mention it HURT! And now we had to talk about my thoughts on sex?! No way was I telling my new husband that I didn't like making love to him. All of you new brides know exactly what I'm talking about! A few weeks into our marriage it seemed as if nothing had changed... Everyone said that it would hurt at first, but shouldn't it be getting better by now? And shouldn't I want to be in bed with my newlywed husband nearly every minute of the day? Yes, that's what I thought I should be. And so I kept telling myself, "Yes, Lauren. You're supposed to want to do this. Why don't you? What's wrong with you? I'm an awful wife. I'm a failure." I believed this lie, and I usually still believe this lie. It's a hard one to fight but, just like every other lie, it's worth fighting against!
When everything around you tells you you're a failure, what do you do? When the world tells you that love is all you'll ever need and then you find out that your hubby won't satisfy, what then? When you thought you and your husband could talk about everything and then you realize you have to talk about sex?! When your meals burn and your skinny girl body starts to turn into a full-grown woman, how do you move past that? It's the simple things and the big things, it's the laughs and the cries, it's our love and our brokenness that make us women. That's what this blog is about - My struggle through womanhood. Because at the end of the day life isn't always full of roses and laughter, but that's okay. We're all a mess, and we're all beautiful.