Every tear, every cry, every prayer.
In my hurt, at my worst,
when my world falls down -
Not for a moment will You forsake me."
-Meredith Andrews
My journey through depression has been short-lived in comparison to many other people who suffer with this terrible sickness of the mind. It eats, and eats, and eats away at you until there is nothing left but a tired clump of sadness on the floor. I haven't written anything in awhile on my blog because I honestly haven't had the strength. I've started to write many posts, but could never seem to finish them before the mental illness took over once again. You may be thinking right now that I sound quite depressing, and I do! I do because I know the pain that I have suffered, and I don't want to make light of the other's who are suffering now. Depression is hard, and it is far from easy to get through.
Having said that, this post isn't meant to serve as a pity party or anything of the like. I am writing it simply to tell my story, or rather, God's story of grace.
When it seemed as if all hope was lost - my mind was spinning in one million different directions and I couldn't stop it long enough to catch my footing - I cried out to God once again in my darkness. "Are You there God? Are You listening? Do You even care? Why can't I see You? Where are You and why aren't You helping me?! How can You abandon me like this?" I felt as if everything was falling apart - I couldn't be the wife I'd always wanted to be, my friends might as well have kissed me and my depressing self goodbye, and God wasn't there. What was I supposed to do?
The Lord reminded me of one very important thing in this moment - grace. His overwhelming, all sufficient grace. Not the kind of grace you see when the world is bright and the sky is clear, but the kind of gifts that God gives us every day. Ann Voskamp says that we can choose two different paths in our distress: the path of anger, or the path of thankfulness. During my depression I was so angry with God that I couldn't see the blessings that He was putting right in front of my face. After a long road of rage and disappointment I finally figured out this unwavering truth: God is always good, even when I can't see it at first. When I open my hands to accept whatever God has given me as grace I am able to see even my depression as a gift. It was a gift because it caused me to rely more fully on God. It was a gift because it taught me patience. It was gift because it opened up so many doors to minister to others in similar situations. I find that what seemed like a terrible situation was transformed into a beautiful moment when I chose to see God's grace in my life. I'm not saying that seeing the grace gets rid of the bad and the ugly, because it doesn't. Instead, it turns the ugly into what it truly is: good. Because, after all, God is only good.
For those of you who have been praying for me, you can rest assured that I am doing so much better. The Lord blessed me with a Christian doctor who was able to offer me the right type of medication for my illness. I feel nearly 100% "cured," if that's possible! I am overwhelmed by the grace and goodness of our Savior.
In Christ,
Lauren
"After all, You are constant.
After all, You are only good.
After all, You are sovereign.
Not for a moment will You forsake me."
