Wrong Side of the Bed

This morning I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. In fact, I think I fell asleep on the wrong side of the bed as well. I sometimes (pretty much always) believe that the solution to a bad day is sleep. If I'm grumpy, I'll sleep it off. If I'm angry, I'll curl up in bed and when I wake up surely the anger will be gone. If I'm sad, I run to the only thing I know that numbs me for a little while; sleep. If I'm anxious, oh boy do I lose it. The only thing that could ever even remotely fix my situation is sleep. "Maybe this time I'll go to sleep and I won't wake up. Then I won't have to deal with this mess anymore. Then I'll be free. Then I'll find rest." Time and time again I find out that this idea is a bad one. It's mornings like this morning that remind me of the one true cure to my problems. In Matthew 11 Jesus says,

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Jesus tells us that His yoke is easy and that His burden is light. Doesn't that sound delightful? Trading in all of our pain and sorrow for something so refreshing? I'd take that deal any day, right? WRONG. My heart is willing, but my flesh is so weak. I desperately want to give Jesus all of my heartache, but I don't always remember that He is there, waiting for me to hand it to Him. And even if I do remember I don't necessarily let Him take control of my situation. I think that I'm too much. 

My mind starts racing: It's scary, everything seems uncertain. Where do I go from here? I'll take a walk. It's not helping. What now? A puzzle, to get my mind off of everything. Ahhhhh!!! How do I get through this? I can't handle this, it's too much for me! 

And so I come to Him, finally. Pain and all I come to Him, and He shows me truth. He is here. The Lord hasn't left me alone. He's given me tools to fight my anxieties and to think positive thoughts. He's given me His Spirit to lean on, and His Word for wisdom. Most importantly, He's given me His love. If I really think about it, I'm not that bad off. And then I begin to name the blessings I see all around me:

1. The sunshine warming my soul on my drive to work. 

2. The hot tea my hubby made for me this morning.

3. Having a car to drive to work in. (A lot of people might have to walk).

4. My job. It is truly a miracle that I found employment for the Summer.

5. God continually providing for my husband and I, both financially and emotionally. 

6. The itchy rash on my arm that is driving me crazy but is causing me to pray for healing like nobody's business!

And I keep going, and I keep going, and I keep going! I'm slowly feeling better and better. I'm dependent on God, I'm allowing Him to guide my thoughts, and I'm changing, I'm growing, I'm becoming more like Him. I think that the Apostle Paul understood this concept too:

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. (Philippians 4: 8-9)

It's not always easy, but thankfulness (positive thinking) truly does go a long way. Check out this book: http://onethousandgifts.com/the-book

My Stubborn, Independent Self

I am so weak and helpless without God. I might as well just accept that already.

If you know me well, you know that I am stubborn and independent. I don't like that I need help from others because I feel like a burden, and I HATE asking for it. I really don't like it when God continually commands me to stop relying on myself, and to start relying on Him and on those around me. "I can do this God. Stop trying to help me. I don't want Your help!" How silly does that sound?! Yet I find myself repeating those words over and over again. 

This Sunday at church the message hit me hard. It was about confessing our sins to each other and praying for each other's deepest needs. In the small group that my husband and I attend on Mondays, we discussed the very same thing. One of the prompts was actually, "How can we pray for you as an individual? Not for anyone else you know, but for you?" My heart dropped. Was I really about to tell these people my secret? Was I really about to burden them with my distress? What would they think? What if I was the only one who asked for prayer about a subject deeper than surface level? The Holy Spirit was leading me. As we went around the table, the requests went something like this: 

"Pray for me to be a good leader."

"Pray for me to adjust to my new job."

"Pray for my words to be kind." 

"etc."

And then it was my turn. I sighed, paused for a moment, and hesitantly listened to the Holy Spirit's prompting. I finally spoke, "I've had a rough few weeks." My eyes searched for a place to land. They landed on the table. I continued: "I began going to therapy two weeks ago for depression..." What should I say now??? I stammered: "...and so I just really need prayer for that..." Sigh again. It was out. I looked up to find the leader of the group happily writing down my request as if there was nothing strange about what I had just said. My husband squeezed my hand, letting me know that he was proud of me, and everything was going to be okay. I tried not to look at him or at anyone else. I tried to pretend like nothing had just happened. I tried, I tried...And then the lies came. "Lauren, I can't believe you just shared that with everyone. They all probably think it's weird that your request was about mental health. Aren't you supposed to be above this? You are the worship pastor's wife after all. You're a freak. No one will want to be your friend now. No one will respect you as a woman of God anymore." After we prayed I excused myself from the table to go to the bathroom, and while I was there I began thinking and praying about what just happened. I quickly realized that the thoughts that I was having were a bunch of lies! I was clearly being attacked. Of course the Devil wanted me NOT to ask for help, because then it would only be me, my husband, my best friend, and our pastor interceding with prayer on my behalf. I now had 15 more people who knew what I was struggling with and could pray for me. There is power in numbers! And even more than that, after my husband and I left small group two of the women texted me saying that they would love to hang out and that if I ever needed anything to let them know! God is so faithful!

So, it turns out (once again) that I need others much more than I know, and that's okay. If you take any principle away from reading this, let it be this one: Allow yourself to rely on others, including God. It may be hard, but it's healthy, and it's what we all need.

Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another,that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working. (James 5:16, ESV)

Beautiful Mess

Last night as I was sitting on the couch with my husband after a long day at work, I felt a little poke from God. I am a new wife of only 2 months. Just like any other new wife I have become ridiculously confused over the last few months. What is this?! Is this what marriage is like? I know they said that it would be hard work, but MAN! Two months ago even the most experienced counselor couldn't have prepared me for what marriage was about to bring my way. I've learned to be more vulnerable with Zach than I ever thought possible. Before we were married I would have said that without a doubt Zach knew me completely - inside and out. In fact, I was pretty much sure that there wasn't really anything left for him to learn. He knew my fears, my frustrations. He had been with me through thick and thin, in good times and in really bad times, when I was throwing up and when I had fallen away from the Lord. Yep. You could pretty much say we'd been through everything and had our stuff together! I now realize that I was very, very wrong.
Just so you know, I am about to talk about sex.
The morning after our wedding night I found myself in tears. I didn't like sex. Sex was scary!! I had to go from guarding my purity with my life, to being completely naked in front of this man that I had claimed only a few hours ago to know me inside and out? What was I thinking? Not to mention it HURT! And now we had to talk about my thoughts on sex?! No way was I telling my new husband that I didn't like making love to him. All of you new brides know exactly what I'm talking about! A few weeks into our marriage it seemed as if nothing had changed... Everyone said that it would hurt at first, but shouldn't it be getting better by now? And shouldn't I want to be in bed with my newlywed husband nearly every minute of the day? Yes, that's what I thought I should be. And so I kept telling myself, "Yes, Lauren. You're supposed to want to do this. Why don't you? What's wrong with you? I'm an awful wife. I'm a failure." I believed this lie, and I usually still believe this lie. It's a hard one to fight but, just like every other lie, it's worth fighting against!
When everything around you tells you you're a failure, what do you do? When the world tells you that love is all you'll ever need and then you find out that your hubby won't satisfy, what then? When you thought you and your husband could talk about everything and then you realize you have to talk about sex?! When your meals burn and your skinny girl body starts to turn into a full-grown woman, how do you move past that? It's the simple things and the big things, it's the laughs and the cries, it's our love and our brokenness that make us women. That's what this blog is about - My struggle through womanhood. Because at the end of the day life isn't always full of roses and laughter, but that's okay. We're all a mess, and we're all beautiful.