If you know me well, you know that I am stubborn and independent. I don't like that I need help from others because I feel like a burden, and I HATE asking for it. I really don't like it when God continually commands me to stop relying on myself, and to start relying on Him and on those around me. "I can do this God. Stop trying to help me. I don't want Your help!" How silly does that sound?! Yet I find myself repeating those words over and over again.
This Sunday at church the message hit me hard. It was about confessing our sins to each other and praying for each other's deepest needs. In the small group that my husband and I attend on Mondays, we discussed the very same thing. One of the prompts was actually, "How can we pray for you as an individual? Not for anyone else you know, but for you?" My heart dropped. Was I really about to tell these people my secret? Was I really about to burden them with my distress? What would they think? What if I was the only one who asked for prayer about a subject deeper than surface level? The Holy Spirit was leading me. As we went around the table, the requests went something like this:
"Pray for me to be a good leader."
"Pray for me to adjust to my new job."
"Pray for my words to be kind."
"etc."
And then it was my turn. I sighed, paused for a moment, and hesitantly listened to the Holy Spirit's prompting. I finally spoke, "I've had a rough few weeks." My eyes searched for a place to land. They landed on the table. I continued: "I began going to therapy two weeks ago for depression..." What should I say now??? I stammered: "...and so I just really need prayer for that..." Sigh again. It was out. I looked up to find the leader of the group happily writing down my request as if there was nothing strange about what I had just said. My husband squeezed my hand, letting me know that he was proud of me, and everything was going to be okay. I tried not to look at him or at anyone else. I tried to pretend like nothing had just happened. I tried, I tried...And then the lies came. "Lauren, I can't believe you just shared that with everyone. They all probably think it's weird that your request was about mental health. Aren't you supposed to be above this? You are the worship pastor's wife after all. You're a freak. No one will want to be your friend now. No one will respect you as a woman of God anymore." After we prayed I excused myself from the table to go to the bathroom, and while I was there I began thinking and praying about what just happened. I quickly realized that the thoughts that I was having were a bunch of lies! I was clearly being attacked. Of course the Devil wanted me NOT to ask for help, because then it would only be me, my husband, my best friend, and our pastor interceding with prayer on my behalf. I now had 15 more people who knew what I was struggling with and could pray for me. There is power in numbers! And even more than that, after my husband and I left small group two of the women texted me saying that they would love to hang out and that if I ever needed anything to let them know! God is so faithful!
So, it turns out (once again) that I need others much more than I know, and that's okay. If you take any principle away from reading this, let it be this one: Allow yourself to rely on others, including God. It may be hard, but it's healthy, and it's what we all need.
Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another,that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working. (James 5:16, ESV)
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